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Is marriage what it’s all about?

So I read quite a few other teen bloggers. (If you guys know of any good ones please let me know!)

Anyway, a very common trend I see going around is writing letters to your future husband. Some girls post them on their blogs (or, at least parts of them) and to be honest, they’re really sweet.Basically they write them and save them until they get married, upon which they will present these letters to their husbands saying “Look, I was thinking about you all along.” It’s an adorable idea. :)

But I see so much of this infatuation girls have with weddings everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I want to get married as much as any girl. It’s going to be really fun finding that guy and getting to know him better than starting a life with him.

But I really think that Christian girls can become way too obsessed.

Do we, as Christians, sometimes have the wrong motivations for why we abstain from flirting, sex, or dressing immodestly? Are we so focused on marriage as our motivation that we forget that our main goal is to honour Christ? Read what Rebecca Gregoire says about it on lifeasadare.com

Wedding Cake ca. 2003

In the the church, every single girl is told that God has a guy out there for her. I personally do not think that belief is Biblical. (now hear me out…) In 1st Corinthians 7 Paul points out multiple times that women can be called to be single! He actually says that if a woman remains single she is able to be 100% devoted to God instead of being torn between God and her husband. As Christian teen girls, we’re told to be excited to get married, which I completely agree with. I think marriage is wonderful, and I really hope to get married some day (honestly, which girl doesn’t?) But the problem happens when we aren’t prepared if God calls us to be single.

I disagree strongly how much girls are taught in the church to think about marriage and weddings and all of that. Purity is important. Modesty is important. Both are not stressed enough, I believe. But when they are stressed we are told that it is because we want to save ourselves for our husbands. Although I agree with this statement, there is so much more to it than that. But we, as Christian girls, are taught to put everything in terms of marriage and our husbands.

We don’t flirt because we don’t want to give any of ourselves away to another guy other than our husband

We don’t wear immodest clothing because we’re saving ourselves for our husband

We stay pure so we can give everything to our husband

I have heard so many modesty/purity talks that I really can’t count them. And I have never heard one that didn’t focus on our future husbands.

The reason I try not to wear immodest clothes is that it distracts brothers in Christ and is a selfish thing to do. The reason I’m gonna stay pure is that God says so, and really I don’t think we need any other reason than that. (Of course, saving yourself for your husband is extremely important, but we shouldn’t only follow God because there’s something in it for us at the end)

The real reason this all bothers me is that our focus is not on God anymore–it’s about what God can give us.

We need to start following God simply because he is God. Not for any other reason.

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I firmly believe that God has a guy out there for a lot of girls. I hope he has one for me. And guys, I’m sure he has a great girl out there for you, too.

But the point is this: if he didn’t, would you still give your life to him? Or do we focus more on what God can give us rather than God himself?

Guys, I’m sorry this was really a post directed towards the girl readers. But what do you follow God for? Is it because he has something to offer? Or because he is God?

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  • Chris

    Exactly, exactly, and exactly my thoughts! Finally some clear-headed, straightforward thinking on this issue. We need to focus on our purpose, those good works God has prepared for us to do. Our motivation for obeying God and our purpose in life should not derive entirely or even mostly from our marital status. Our lives are about devoting ourselves to His will, and if it includes marriage, it will be well and good to have a partner in our life mission–but the goal will remain unchanged!

  • Brad

    Very awesome article. I do not know how old you are, but your insight is way beyond the caption says. I have three daughters, and we have often had discussions on marriage and purity, but, this is a side we did not stress as much as should have been.

    Only God knows what he has in store for you, but, I get the feeling he has great plans that we will be hearing from you again.

  • Fabulous post, Becca! I wish I had something more profound to add–but you said it all!

    Thanks for the encouragement to this mama of a 7 and 4 year old. :)

    a

  • So true! Too often I focus on what God can give me, and not just on Him. It does seem like the emphasis is on finding “the one,” and getting married. No one wants to talk about “singleness,” and what they will do with their lives if God doesn’t have someone for them. Marriage should naturally be plan A, but it doesn’t hurt to have a plan B!

  • You are one wise woman. Take it from someone who has been married 10 years. I love and adore my husband… but getting married DOES NOT solve your issues or your need to the Lord. Cling to Jesus. He is the ONLY person that can complete you. xo

  • JoAnn

    You must have a very proud Mother! You are so right and I was raised in a christian home but I wish i would have been taught this the way you have put it. I was told I was not ready and my mom done everything to stop me from making the worse decision in my life. Now, I 47 and I hope I can get this across to mt granddaughters. They are all about a boyfriend or girlfriend too much these days and much younger than I was, we truly need to pray for the generation coming up today but the bottom line is, it does have to start at home.
    I do want to say I could not have wrote this post better after finding out some things the hard way.

  • Netta

    Great revelation. Keep ministering because their are a lot of young and old who need to hear messages just like this

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  • CJR

    Excellent thoughts. A message that all young women need to hear – Satan can take this purity message and mess us up with a twisted version that we think is scriptural – and miss the truth of God’s word. Well done. Our church just finished hosting a Set Apart Conference by Leslie Ludy of Ellersie and she does teach the purity message you are seeking.

  • “We need to start following God simply because he is God. Not for any other reason.”

    Yes–this is the truth! And it applies to every aspect of our lives; not just marriage/relationships (as important as those are). Great post and reminder, Rebecca!

  • Great thoughts Becca! I agree with you! As a single gilr I believed that God was preparing me for himself, not a husband. My husband was going to be a happy beneficiary of the heavenly preparation. I just figured God had alot more going in on in his plans for me! Great article!

  • Dawn Regina

    I find this fascinating. Yes. We should not be obsessed with the idea of marriage and or search for a guy just because we want to get married. We should be patient and wait and find the right guy, and actually I take that back, we should be patient and let the gut find us. I don’t think however, that saying we are saving out selves for our future husband is such a wrong thing to say. I feel that it doesn’t mean we’re only serving God because we want so something out of it. Because us, the Bible tells us to so following the Bible and remaining pure and patiently editing for that guy to come sling if its in Hods plan for you is not a selfish act. In-fact I believe God smiles on it. We don’t need to be but picky on words. Yes, we’re saving ourselves for our husbands but if we stay single at least we know we still have glorified God, it’s the mentality we need to change not the words. If someone goes through life thinking the only reason they abstain from sex before marriage and abstain from revealing clothing is for their husband than yes they have another thing coming. Dissspointment. They need to do everything for the glory of God not for themselves. I agree there. This article I enjoyed. Keep going strong in The Lord.

  • Wow, well said, and sooo important for every lady young or old to grasp hold and understand. Thank you

  • that will help some middle aged lady’s I know .Great write xx

  • Wow! Great perspective! I will definitely keep this in mind when talking about purity with teens (which just came up with a few last week and I of course brought up the future husband!!).

  • Nina

    Approaching it from a very human perspective (with faults and imperfections) i would find it very difficult to accept to follow God (it sounds like “do it because I say so”) because He is God. I would rather say follow God because he loves you and will never lead you astray.

  • Olga V

    Dear Becca,
    It’s is very good of you to write on such topic as marriage from perspective of a teenager. Setting a good example of what our focus in life should be! Even the adults can learn from your belief. The conviction with which you ate speaking is a blessing and I am sure you make your parents proud! God has a very special task for you and it shows! Keep ministering to others, do speak the Biblical truths on any subject! Dig deeper and speak volumes! Everyone needs to know about God and who He truly is!! Keep it up!! And I’ll keep you in prayer!

    Olga

  • Ruthanne

    Wow, such insight from a teenager!!! I love this article, totally agree!!! I was always taught about my “future husband,” not always because its WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS…Keep up the great work!

  • Sunshine

    Never thought of it this way. Thanks for opening my and many other people’s eyes. You are so right!

  • Rebecca, i couldn’t agree with you more…on so many levels. but let me tell you my perspective. I’m a mom/grandmom in my late 60’s. my husband and i raised 3 daughters. that is a challenging job. how do you raise daughters in this day and age? there are so many views of what constitutes a christian woman…and they often conflict!

    We believed that the natural law of averages meant that there was no guarantee that all our daughters would marry. Because of that, we invested money to give them each a good education. Besides, that is a great investment for anyone! You never know when a spouse will become ill, unable to work or die and a wife will need to work to provide for her family. that is not the time when she needs to be going back to school!

    in our family, one daughter didn’t meet the man she married until she was 36! waiting in limbo all those years would have been crazy…and wasteful! of her abilities, talents and training. during those years, she learned to reach out to people around her as she used her gifts of hospitality: to visitors, children of friends, and at times, she was ministering in Ukraine learning to speak russian as well.

    the skills she developed during those years are still being used, in different ways. only now, she is raising her 2 children as well.

    your realization that the focus needs to be off marriage, purity and weddings is correct. our focus needs to be on glorifying GOD. for many of us, it includes marriage, but we need to prepare our daughters for life with the possibility of marriage, but not the certainty.

    one thing we know for sure: whatever GOD’s plan is for us, it will be a great plan for us. it doesn’t help our daughters to only prepare them for a life of being married. we have no way to know that is GOD’s plan for them!

    • I just love what you wrote here! This is exactly how I feel! That is amazing how your daughter was able to use her single years to do something of significance with her life, too, rather than just sitting around moping until she found someone–that’s really inspiring to me, since I’m just starting that whole part of my life.

      Thanks so much for this comment! I really enjoyed reading it :)

  • That was SO well said – and well thought through. We are too keen on ‘doing things for God’ because of what may be at the end of the line.

    When God commands a things, we ought to desire to do it, as you say, for that reason alone. Well said.

  • Kim

    Becca, you are a terrific young woman! And if you are one who is called to be single, you won’t spend your days and nights moping about not having a husband. Which is a great way to be! Moping old women are really sad to hang out with.

    • Haha! As someone who works with seniors quite often I can say Amen to that! :) Thank you so much!

  • Sharon

    THANK YOU for writing this! While now I am almost 30 and practically engaged to be married, I wish that a point like this had been spelled out for me as a teen growing up in the church. It would have been almost a relief to understand that God does not create women for the sole purpose of being married. That God sees us as separate beings and he has a plan for each of us. It took a long time for me to fully realize that my heart needs to belong to God first, before I could ever extend it to a man. I know I am not explaining myself correctly, but I really appreciate this article.

    • Thank you so much for the encouragement! (Congratulations, by the way!) It definitely takes a huge load off of your shoulders to understand that if you don’t have some whirl-wind romance with a man your life isn’t wasted. :) Haha! I guess that’s the beauty of it, though! God creates us as a whole, and finding someone to share your life with is the icing on top, not the whole cake :)
      Thanks again for your comment!

  • Adrianna

    I’m so happy to have read this .. you’re strait to the point, that’s how I like it ! I’d love to read more … God gave you a great talent.. keep up the good work!

  • Suzette

    Awesome article! Great job on hitting the point. It’s all about God!

  • Joyce

    All I can say, is you are one smart young lady! You are focused where you need to be….on GOD!

  • Joao

    Good post. You express your thoughts well, and the message needs to be broadcast in our churches. Keep writing. Being a psychology student and a Christian will require a lot of discernment. May God abundantly supply it.

    • Thanks so much! Yes, I definitely agree about psychology–there’s a lot of wacky stuff they try to teach us, that’s for sure! Thank you for your kind words! :)

  • Sheela

    This is a great article Becca! I am a mom to a preteen boy and you brought up thoughts I honestly hadn’t thought about before…God bless you!

  • Jennifer

    Great article! What a blessing to hear this from a teen girl in today’s culture!!

  • “The real reason this all bothers me is that our focus is not on God anymore–it’s about what God can give us.”

    This is the heart of the matter. I love that you have shared this. As a parent I think I missed that point. I am glad you are bringing it up now. Keep writing!

  • You know what I love most about this post is your courage to go against the grain and help single ladies to look at themselves and their worlds from a new angle. Sometimes it takes a voice like yours to help tilt the globe a little! :) Excited to read your future posts and share them with my girls as they become young ladies. :)

    • Thanks so much! :) I’m looking forward to reading Swimming Through Clouds!

  • Wendy

    Amen, Becca!
    I am a follower of your mom’s blog and she sent me over here to check out yours! :)
    You are speaking the truth. Our focus should be on God alone. I think the misguided advice given about modesty, purity, etc. has tried to give young women a focus, but it is focusing on the wrong things.
    A christian’s walk should be summed up in these two verses:
    Romans 12:1-2
    I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
    2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

    Our deeds, our service, our sacrifice, should be God-focused, not focused on self.

  • Cami

    Great article! I wish I had as much insight as you as a teen girl. As I begin to raise my own girls, I think this is such an important point. The Lord calls us to be pure and if he wills it he will choose a husband for us. If not, the Lord still calls us to be pure! I think your post perfectly applies to guys as well – maybe not the letter writing part, but definitely the rest! Keep up the good work!

    • Haha yeah, I haven’t heard any of my guyfriends say that they’ve written love letters to their future wives. :) Definitely think it’s more of a girl thing!
      Thanks so much for the encouragement! :)

  • Dawn

    Well written!!! It is so encouraging to see your a young woman with such maturity & love for the Lord!!! May God bless you. Keep up the good work!!!

  • Great point of view! Especially coming from a teenager! I know how hard it is to think about anything other than boys, as a teenager. There is so much importance placed on marriage, especially in churches. And I agree, some people are called to be single. Marriage is a beautiful thing but its not for everyone. And wouldn’t it be better to stay single than to suffer a divorce? Just my opinion! Thanks for yours!

  • Rachel

    Preach it sister!

  • Stephanie

    Great post! How refreshing to see anyone grasp this (let alone a teen), and to share it with others! I particularly love the line “we shouldn’t only follow God because there’s something in it for us at the end”. You are exactly right in saying we need to follow God simply because He is God.

  • Becca, I just LOVE this. You are so incredibly accurate in your summation – how we live should be only to the glory of God, not for some guy you might meet, some time. What is man’s chief end? to glorify God and to enjoy HIM forever. Living in a dream world can be a very counter-productive thing, with dreaming instead of living in the today. I know it’s easy for me to say – a)because I have been married for 13 years and b)because I was privileged to meet “Mr Right” at the age of 16!!! However, it’s irrelevant insofar as what the BIBLE says matters most – not the experience of any individual or a collection of people. Proverbs 3:5-6 ring true – everything is about putting God first – then He will make His plan for you plain. Keep on being a great testimony. May God bless you.

  • Crystal

    wow… those are some wise words from such a young mind :)

  • Great article. I’ve been working with teens at church for probably 20 years. We do a purity thing with them every other year. I try not to make it just about “abstinence-until-wedding-night”. Purity is a path, not a goal. Purity is something we live, not something we suffer through until we can let loose on a wedding night. Purity does not end on that wedding night.

    I

    • I completely agree! That’s a really good way to put it. :) That’s so great that you do teen ministry, and give that message to them! It’s definitely one that more people need to hear!
      God bless!

  • Alan

    Excellent post.

  • Suzanne Murchison

    Great article Becca and your right in reminding us all that purity is keeping us right with God not what we want him to give us in exchange. Will pass this article around so our youth leader at our new church can see a different perspective of what young people need to hear about purity. Thanks for your wise insight.
    Continuing to pray for you.
    Suzanne M.

    • Thanks so much Mrs. Murchison! :) That means so much to me, coming from you! We miss you so much!
      Becca