I usually post every Tuesday, but the one I had scheduled for yesterday just didn’t fit with what I’m doing in life right now, and I figured that I’d just post a day late this week.
See, yesterday I was moving into my new place in Ottawa.
We packed up a trailer yesterday morning (after about 2 hours of trying to find a certain adapter for the car), and then my grandpa moved me and my friend Joanna up to our condo. I brought pretty much all of my furniture that I’m taking from home, and my room looks pretty bare. It’s really weird sitting here, typing in my bedroom, without my bed being here, or many other pieces of furniture.
It’s been a strange transition period. I kind of flip-flop between being so panicked that I begin to have trouble controlling my emotions and counting down the days until I can finally move in and have my own place.
I’ve always had a lot of experiences growing up. We’re a family that travels, volunteers, and just generally does things. Doing crazy things doesn’t usually bother me–tell me we’re moving to Taiwan for 4 months and I’d probably be alright. But this is the first time I’ve ever done something on my own, where I’m leaving my parents and sister. For pete’s sake, I was even homeschooled. I do everything with my family.
But moving out and going to school hasn’t exactly sprung up on me out of nowhere, either. My parents started talking about university with us when we were 3 years old. It’s exciting, you get to start your own life and learn a bunch of cool things and meet some great life-long friends. I’ve been excited about university and starting life on my own for years. I actually have entries in my journals from when I was 11 and 12 daydreaming about what it will be like.
But I guess I never really realized that I’d have to leave my family. It just never really sunk in. I mean, obviously if you move to a different city you leave them, but until it actually happened, it never registered.
See, sitting in my room in Ottawa yesterday I was so excited. Joanna and I were bouncing ideas off each other for decorating, paint colours, and ikea furniture to buy. We have a beautiful kitchen, great living room, and are right across the road to the river.
But when I came back home that night, I didn’t feel excited. I felt alone.
Now that I’m getting ready to go to Ottawa, I don’t really have a home for the next 2 months. I’m not moved in completely to the condo yet, but I don’t even have a bed here. It’s an awkward transition period, and that leaves room for a lot of questions to creep in. Am I going to the right school? Am I taking the right courses? What if I hate it there? What if I don’t find any new friends?
Leaving home is scary. It’s a lot scarier than people tell you.
But even though it’s scary, and even though I feel alone sometimes, I know that this was never my home. Not here, not in Ottawa. My home is in heaven. And until I do get to finally go home, life is going to be scary. Life is going to give me doubts, and it’s going to make me question my decisions, whether big or small. And whether I hate it in Ottawa or not, and whether I make a hundred friends or none, I know that I have my dad to protect me, my mom to believe in me, and my sister to encourage me. But most of all, I have my God who will love me, and someday, finally, welcome me home.
I’m ready. Bring it on.